I live in one of the most gloriously beautiful spots on earth: Estes Park.
As a result, EVERYONE wants to drive up here to sample the town's delights, from elk-watching to Art fests to rodeos and then on to Rocky Mountain National Park.
Half of my life actually takes place down on the flat lands of Longmont and metropolitan Denver.
It's a 45 minute drive down the canyon. . . that is, if my route is unimpeded.
Since highways 34 and 36 actually belong to me, I imagined a system of transportation which would relieve the traffic congestion and facilitate the flow up and down the canyon.
During my weekly drives up and down the hill --and taking way too long to get wherever I'm trying to get to because of other cars -- I've made some really important observations about drivers: there are four basic types.
Therefore, there should be four lanes for both west and east-bound drivers.
The far-right lane should belong to the "Truly Slow Drivers." Those are the ones who think their car will go off the road if they drive above twenty-five miles an hour.
The second lane on the right should be for the moderate drivers; those are the ones who like to drive slightly under the speed limit, say five miles under.
The third lane should be designated: "The drivers who think they're fast but really aren't and you're really annoying me 'cause I drive faster than you."
Finally, the far left lane should belong only to the "Truly Fast." That's me and maybe a handful of F150s and little red foreign jobs.
(I explained to my daughter-in-law, XXXX, and other frustrated drivers about these observations and they added some of their own thoughts, as well.)
Daughter XXXX asked, "But how do you enforce people driving in their own lanes?"
"Simple," I said. "There should be section of the driver's licence test that gauges your speed on a winding, closed course. The results are fed into a computer, which then spits out your designated lane. An automatic traffic ticket of 500 dollars should be levied against those who stray from their lane.
A friend suggested that --since I own the highways, ha-ha -- I should dispense with the whole traffic ticket thing and simply levy a toll for the far left lane.
Some other suggestions were to construct a tunnel that would lead from Lyons all the way to Estes Park. This would be a private road, only for the "Truly Fast" drivers.
I said, "I don't think a toll for the far left lane would bring in enough money for that."
Some one else suggested, "How about we tax all the Suburu drivers?"
"And those Kansas drivers," someone else chimed in.
"Yeah, and what about those trucks that belch all that black smoke? It's really awful when you're stuck behind them all the way up the hill?"
I said, "I thought we were just talking about the problem of slow drivers?"
He said, "But why not roll in the black smoke people while we're figuring out how to tax the poky drivers? That way, we got 'em, too."
Ah, just think of that nice, private road. We and those F150s and fast foreign jobs would have our own patrol officer, but he'd only be there to take care of flat-tires and over-heating."
Yeah," someone else said, "but would you have any money left over to take care of the original road with all the slower drivers?"
"Oh, them," I said.
"What if all those poky drivers find out what you're doing with their tax money? Won't they get upset?" XXXX said.
He said, "Not if we make it look like we're just trying to protect them by keeping all of us fast, dangerous drivers off their road."
"So, true," I said. "As Sylvester Stallone said in Rocky IV, 'Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.'"